


you are not broken

by sincerelyschuy (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of homophobia, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 03:16:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12147453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sincerelyschuy
Summary: you are not broken // lamsdesc: historic lams, in which john laurens confesses his love for alexander hamilton and alexander teaches him there is nothing to be afraid of.warnings: crying, mentions of homophobia, mentions of suicide, anxiety, smutgenre: angst, smut





	you are not broken

**Author's Note:**

> hey !! i hope u enjoy this old piece of shit from back when i was in this fandom!!! i really loved writing this and i really loved hamilton ! anyway im a minor so dont interact if ur uncomfortable with that. thank u

Alexander slams the door to his office, leaving him and John alone. His coppery hair glows in the light.

“What do you need to tell me?” Alex asks, sitting down at his desk and looking John in the eye. John looks down, anything to make the moment less intense. He’s going to get killed, he’s sure of it, but he’s done hiding and doesn’t care about his life anymore.

“Alexander I’ve been keeping this in for as long as I can remember, and now that you’re in my life it’s tearing me apart even more and I think I’m falling in love with you…” John slaps a hand over his own mouth.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, you’ll kill me, I’m sorry,” John says as panic floods through him. His heart is beating a mile a minute.

“Get it over with, tell me I’m going to hell and you’re going to execute me, I don’t care.”

Alexander reaches over and locks the door to the office. John stays stiff in his chair.

“I wouldn’t dare hurt you.”

“W-what do you mean you wouldn’t? This is sin, right?” Laurens asks. Alexander shakes his head.

“Not where I’m from, you see, back in the Caribbean, nobody really cared. They knew they were close to death but they weren’t afraid to love and I don’t want you to be afraid to love, because I love you,” Alex replies. John’s mouth hangs open in awe and relief.

“Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone,” he mumbles. Alex nods.

“Laurens, you are not broken,”

“Okay.”

“And you are not alone.” John nods and furrows his brow a little, his deep blue eyes staring into Hamilton’s.

They stand up. Alexander motions for John to come closer.

“Hm?” a confused John hugs Alex tightly. Alexander, a few inches shorter than Laurens, nuzzles his chest and embraces him as well. He stands up on the tips of his toes, and looks into Laurens’ eyes. John’s face flushes a muted pink. Alexander, in all his freckle-faced glory, grabs John’s face and presses his lips against the other man’s for the first time. John squeaks a little and wraps his arms around Alex again. Their lips disconnect and John is left panting, out of breath, on the verge of tears. Alexander motions to the bed in the corner and they walk there together. Alex sits down cross-legged, facing John.

“Th-this isn’t right. If… If anyone finds out we’re dead,” John murmurs.

“Trust me, Laurens, I won’t let anyone know,” Alexander replies and hugs John closer.

Their noses touch. John takes initiative this time, and their lips lock again. Alexander runs a hand down John’s back, making him shiver. They continue kissing, in slow, smooth movements, gentle and soft. It continues like that for minutes, before John suddenly jerks away.

“I-I’m sorry, John, god, I’m so sorry,” Alex apologizes and runs a hand through John’s dirty-blond hair as a tear runs down the taller man’s face.

“This… This isn’t right. It feels so right, it feels so good and natural and I love you, but… b-but we’re going to be killed, no, just… Turn me in, Alexander, please… I’m a goddamn criminal, I’m a wreck, we’re sinners, nothing good will come from this!” John sobs. Alex pulls John closer into a comforting hug. John cries, distraught, on Alex’s shoulder and he strokes his back.

“Shhh…” Hamilton whispers.

“N-no, they’ll never forgive us, we’re just dirt under their feet now, we’ll be killed any day when they find out, please… Let me die… Alexander… ” Laurens bawls.

“Shh… Listen, my love, I swear on my life, on everything I stand for, I promise you, I will never let anybody find out as long as we are alive. And I promise, I will give everything I have, even my own life, to save yours. I love you, John Laurens.”

John’s crying lessens.

“That’s it, we’re going to be just fine,” Alexander breathes. He kisses the top of John’s head.

“My dear Laurens… This is not sinful. Not where I come from. You’re happy, are you not? You’re just scared. I promise, my sweetheart, I’ll never let anyone know, I promise,” Alexander comforts him.

“Th-this is not sinful. I… I am not trash,” John stutters, his breathing ragged from crying, his face hot and tear-soaked. Alex kisses his cheek again.

“You are loved, John, don’t you forget that I love you,” Alex sighs and kisses John’s lips, red from crying like his eyes and cheeks. He wipes the tears from John’s face with his shirtsleeve and kisses him again.

“It’ll all be okay in the end, my dear Laurens, it’ll all be okay in the end.”

It stays like that for a week. Every day, Laurens comes over, they’ll work for half an hour, an hour at most, before one of them pounces on the other, kissing his neck and body, leaving marks they would later see and panic for a split second about. John learns to enjoy the taste of Alexander’s lips, even crave it, when he leaves, an arduous task after those times, he still wishes for Hamilton’s touch. Later, Laurens will stand, alone, at his own bed, looking down at his body and counting each love-bite left by Alexander. He remembers Alexander’s hips grinding against his own, his legs wrapping around John’s body as he rode him, and then that bittersweet aftertaste that he couldn’t wash away comes when he’s walking back home. Alexander was simply a friend, a co-worker, they wrote and fought and drank together, not much else, and now he was a surreptitious lover, leaving nothing but bite marks and thoughts. They talked, of course, but not enough.

He can’t help but think he’s doing something wrong, he’s a sinner, he’ll never be forgiven, and when they find out – who are they, and why does he have such an ominous feeling, a twinge of painful anxiety in his chest every time he thinks about the consequences – when they find out, everything will go wrong and he’ll be killed. Not that he cares anymore, John’s thoughts of suicide stand out in his greyed-out memories like the shooting pain he gets from anxiety. He’s scared – no, terrified – and a new burden has been placed on his heart, about to crack under pressure, he’s sure, yet he has a new addiction.

John Laurens is not an alcoholic, he is not addicted to a drug, unless of course you would call a copper-haired, ocean-eyed, and headstrong immigrant a drug. Laurens is addicted to Alexander Hamilton, and his slim body and perfect lips that always seem to know the right way to get John off. He knows it’s wrong. The nagging thoughts seem to sting his throat more every day.

But does he stop? No. He is a man in love, and anyone who has fallen in love before knows the dedication and attachment is not easily cut off.

“…Do you ever stop to think about what we’ve become?” John blurts out in the midst of a silence while Alexander buttons his pants back up. “Because I love this. I love this so much, Alexander, please don’t get me wrong, god, I love you, so, so, much… But Alexander, It’s hurting me. I cannot seem to pull away from the feeling that we are sinning, we’re doing something wrong.”

“John…” Alexander places a hand on the taller man’s back. “You can stop this at any time. You know this.”

“I-I know, and I don’t want to, please, but…” John’s eyes well up with tears.

“Is there an underlying problem?” Alex asks.

“Y-yes. Yes there is. Every time I stop and think about the consequences, every time I actually think about what we’ve done, it’s causing me physical pain and I do not care if they kill me anymore, hell, I want to die, I can’t be forgiven,” John manages to choke out, sobbing after every breath, and Alexander’s heart sinks low in his chest, his own eyes watering.

“…My dear Laurens… I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I won’t let them find out. I love you, and I will lay down my own life to protect you, and if there’s anything you need from me, tell me. I will always be your friend, your lover, and more importantly, your ally.” Alex says, hugging John tightly. John breathes slowly. Every breath stings his lungs like a swarm of wasps in his throat. He is fighting, every day, still. The war may be done, but John battles his own thoughts.

His crying slows.

“What do you need, my love?” Alexander says, in that smooth, comforting voice that makes John’s heart flutter every time.

“Make it all go away.”

“Make what all go away?”

“Fight away all my pain, my little lion. I can’t do this anymore,” John sighs.

“How can I do that? How can I take away some of your pain, mon amour?” Alex says. He traces his fingers down John’s half-clothed leg.

They fuck the pain away. Twenty minutes are a moaning, panting blur, John even laughs as Alexander kisses a ticklish spot on his neck. Alex does it again and again, because seeing John happy makes him happy.

“Am I taking some of your pain away, my dear Laurens?” Alex asks, his breath hot on John’s neck. He kisses the same spot one last time before moving down.

“Y-yes,” John squeals. “Yes you are.”


End file.
